Sunday, October 26, 2014

Rambles and Reflections

IT'S around 5.30am. Heart beating against the rib cage, I'm seated outside at the balcony, watching the sunrise. The weather is improving. The sun doesn't burn anymore. The northerly wind probably has something to do with this delightful change. By early November, I expect the first shower of rain to grace this land, and with that, the light sweaters can come out from the backseat of my closet. 

I spent the night watching episodes of Mad Men. It's titillating to watch Joan Holloway do her thing. I can watch her forever. I've even been wearing my make-up like her these two weeks. Lots of nude shimmers on the lids, winged eyes, white liner, luscious lashes and red lipstick. Makes me feel terribly naughty and nice. I can't curl my hair to save my life nor it is in that haughty, great red but it will do. 

I could also watch Don Draper forever. So beautifully formed as they all say in every season. Good-looking people do have some advantages in many areas of life. It appears that he is smart as well. I've met a few Don Drapers in my life. Well, almost Don Drapers. Sleek-haired creatures in well-fitted suits with a nice office and a penchant for beautiful automobiles. Men of few words, with women consciously throwing themselves at them. It must be both a blessing and a curse, depending on how you look at it. 

Caffeine has a bad effect on me. My mistake was having unknowingly consumed 2 tablets of Panadol Extra at midnight. These panadols have 65mg of caffeine each. From then, I've been experiencing palpitations, insomnia, nausea and a shadowy headache. I don't know how people do coffees and teas daily. The sun has risen pretty high now. Perhaps I should drink a litre 
of fresh watermelon juice and go for a walk to come out of this. Have a great day y'all! 

xx 

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Blinding Deafness

WHAT if you were to go blind one day? It must suck, living in a dark world, where colours and shapes slowly become just memories with each passing day. Not being able to see your loved ones, or not knowing what a new addition to the family or a new friend may look like. Suddenly, every step you take counts as you begin to rely more on your hearing, physical touching, sense of smell and well, gut feeling. Many times, when I lay awake in the dark, I think of the desolation that comes with losing sight. Just what if...it's possible. 

Then, in early August, I woke up in the morning and two hours later, I felt hearing on the left side slowly slide shut like a pull-down window. In the following weeks, I was diagnosed with otosclerosis, a rare condition in which a faulty middle-ear bone leads to hearing loss; in severe cases like mine, where there's both conductive and sensironeural deafness, quite permanently too. 

I've suddenly lost more than 90% of hearing on the left side, but strangely, all I felt was blindness. It was like I see but I don't see till I hear, and this caused me a lot of panic when I was in the outdoors and public places. With one side hearing, I have no sense of sound direction. I can't tell if the phone is ringing in the bedroom or living room when I'm in the kitchen. The sense of fullness I have on the affected side makes my head heavy, and I become tired much faster by just processing all those sounds around me in one, good ear. Sometimes, the sounds get distorted and human voices are submerged by louder/ higher frequencies. It's made worse by those violent headaches, which I fear. By far, I'm lucky that my overall balance is still fine. 

The tinnitus deserves a post of its own. I have ringing in my affected ear 24/7. Pretty loud. Sometimes in high frequencies too. It's a miracle its existence doesn't bother me when I'm sleeping. There were a couple of times when I woke up feeling scared and shaken. I heard loud explosions in my head just when I was relaxed enough to fall asleep. That was some scary shit but another friend with hearing loss, described the same experience to me. It must be a part of it all then. 

It's a been a few months now. The early months were a torture and I spent weeks wondering about living the rest of my life with it. It seemed impossible, to live in a world of distorted sounds with a heavy face and constant headaches. That was then. The above still applies to me but I'm just adjusting to the situation better. I focus more to listen, I'm keeping my balance and I don't let the tinnitus bother me. For the first time in months, I was able to sit with a party of friends, sip a cold beer with shisha in one hand, listen to their laughter and chatter, with light music on the background. I was truly happy for the hope. 

Now, I've forgotten how it feels to hear from both sides. It must be really loud for you people with the full stereo on :) 

xx

A Friendly Update

Here I come again after a full year of abandoning this site. Yes, I'm cringing at that but I can't promise myself that it won't happen again. 

For those who've been wondering about my disappearance, well, life has been good to me on most terms over the year. There were things which came up that needed attention and time off. 

Doha has finally become home. I can't believe I'm saying this but Malaysia has come to feel more like a tourist destination. I go back to Kuala Lumpur twice a year, and every time I'm there, I marvel at the Petronas Twin Towers like I'm seeing it for the first time. I can't comprehend the pictures I take of the tropical fruits I get in my hometown. It's strange when I sit back and look at my collection of photographs taken while I'm visiting Malaysia. Every tree, plate of food, park counts. If I had a chance though, I'd still like to move around and live some place else, experience some other culture and lifestyle. Perhaps, there's danger in getting too comfortable. 

Work wise, I've been working from home in the comfort of my PJs and evening sun at the balcony. The fitness life run as usual with bootcamp sessions, and my relationship with food has never been healthier. 

I'll come back with another update soon. 
xx